Today marks 4 years since my baby, Mateo passed away. He would have been 19 this year, starting his life and hopefully finding his way. What I'm realizing, though, after doing a lot of soul searching, soul growth and just listening to my inner self, is that it is time to let go. It is time to let go of the "what if's" and the "it shouldn't have happened" and mostly, to let him go. His soul is ready to soar and I can feel it. I haven't been ready to let go, until now. I can feel him sticking around me because I'm asking him to, because I felt like if I let him go, I'd somehow disappear into the abyss of grief, emptiness or depression. I now know, through all of my recent work, that this is simply not true, we are forever connected.
The truth is that his life, his soul, his purpose was his and I got to see him through 15 years of human experience on this planet. I got to give birth to him, nurse him, love him fiercely, raise him to be a loving, imperfect, nurturing human being. I got to witness his pain, his anger, his amazing sense of humour and I got to be his rock. What a beautiful gift I was given. Mateo does mean " God's gift" after all and I was blessed enough to have been given that gift.
Now, it is time to let him go and do whatever he is meant to do from here on in. For me, it is time to fill my heart with his love and remember the most beautiful moments we had together. It is time for me to move into the next phase of my life, for me to allow Mateo to move on to.
This doesn't mean we forget. This doesn't mean he's not always with me. It means my heart is full and he no longer has to stick around just in case I'm not ok. He can now move on with his soul purpose.
This morning I'm going to be doing my first spiritual counselling session and my intention will be this letting go. I chose to lean into whatever pain shows up as I move through the grief and to welcome whatever shows up.
Thank you my sweet Mateo, for all the lessons, gifts and for sharing your beautiful soul with me in this life.
Know that your mama is well and that I have you in my heart forever and always.
To the gift of letting go,
Dr. Katie Branter, ND